The Spoiled Heart

I have never considered myself as spoiled. My parents brought me up, teaching values of moderation, discipline, and consideration. If I was denied of something, I didn’t cry or lock myself in a room. I would experience momentary sorrow, but it would be immediately replaced by understanding and acceptance that we can’t all get what we want. So why won’t my heart understand this? Why does it insist on being the spoiled child and cry for you even when it knows you can’t be mine? I’m craving the acceptance that my child-self understood. Everyone is saying that we are not working out so that it will work out with someone much better. Every part of rational thought is agreeing with them but a small corner of my gut is screaming that we are perfect for each other…

I started writing this piece last week, and due to finals, postponed finishing it. Little did I know that I would re-read it and smirk at how different my thoughts are at this moment. It’s amazing how much a week can change. No, actually a minute is enough. My fingers would’ve followed the first paragraph effortlessly an hour ago but new information such as one trivial detail and the whole piece is changed. Maybe that’s how life works. A small, insignificant event that changes your life path drastically. It’s hard to believe that a week ago, I wrote “my gut is screaming that we are perfect for each other”. No, we are not perfect for each other. In fact, if we ever got into a relationship, it would end in shambles because you would hide behind a curtain of lies and I would see you right through it every time. You are oblivious to others’ feelings while I feel with them. You wouldn’t give a shit about my life while I would attempt to learn everything about you. You would be my priority while I would be your back up. Eventually, I would love you and the best you could ever do is like me. And none of this is wrong on your part. Because there will always be another girl that you will be willing to give your heart to. And you have the right to. It’s my fault because I handed you my heart without your consent. While I was looking through your profile, you were looking through someone else’s. While I was hoping a text from you, you were expecting one from her. While I was falling for you, you were also falling for someone who you can’t have. We both have spoiled hearts. And they will never meet.

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To my future babe

So, lists are a thing now. And I couldn’t be happier. As a lazy ass, I approve lists as they are just more efficient and convenient to read. They are practical and to the point, just like me.

So without further ado, here’s a list of things I’m expecting in my future boyfriend:

  1. You exist. You may laugh but there have been numerous times where I made up an imaginary boyfriend, who is named Sid for some reason.
  2. You better say I look like Beyoncé even when I look like Kesha.
  3. Give me hugs even if I try to squirm away. I tend to do that to give off an I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude but in reality, I love hugs, specifically those that last longer than 5 seconds.
  4. Force me to try new things, especially if they mean a lot to you.
  5. Be willing to try things that mean a lot to me too.
  6. If I’m ever feeling down, call (don’t text) or surprise me at the door. I promise I will do the same.
  7. Introduce me to your friends and we should definitely hang out with them often.
  8. Of course, if you ever need guy time with your buddies, that’s perfectly fine too.
  9. Spontaneous kisses please.
  10. I don’t do small talk so every conversation we have will either be completely pointless or very deep but never mundane.
  11. I may look small but I eat like a pig so be prepared for that. Under right conditions, I will finish a whole pizza by myself and still have space for dessert later.
  12. My taste in music is weird as shit and you better like it or at least don’t complain about it.
  13. Not saying you should be a bad singer but if you are above average, I’ll never be secure enough to try to sing like The Weeknd. So try to sing horribly in front of me so I can sing along with you.
  14. At one point or another, I will be vulnerable enough to reveal all my secrets. Please don’t leave me.
  15. We will try to do the salsa or tango or any one of those sexy partner dances at some point and you will give your best effort, no matter how stupid we look.
  16. Whether it is getting wasted and having a dance party on the streets or staying in with Netflix and eating pizza, you should be perfectly happy.
  17. Tell me everything about yourself, leaving no skeletons in closet.
  18. Tell me your baby stories, your career goals (realistic and unrealistic), your future plans, and you’re damn right I want to know about your past relationships.
  19. No matter what, please be completely honest with me. I look fat in that dress? Tell me. You don’t see a future with me? Let me know.
  20. Hopefully, you would be my first love and eventually my husband. I’m only in it for the long haul. I don’t want to waste time on someone who won’t be with me for majority of my life.

I took the jump and survived

Spending the whole summer with my family was a good distraction but I know my feelings for you didn’t disappear. I could feel them still lurking under layers of happiness that came with spending time with family and anxiety over my questionable future. However, I didn’t expect them to burst back to surface the second I saw your face. My mind kept telling me “He didn’t even say ‘hi’. Forget about him” but my heart ignored it almost as much as you were ignoring me. So, imagine my surprise, when you remembered my name after all those months when we met at a party. We talked for a long time and I was sure I was flirting to my best ability and yet, you still didn’t get any hints. Later that night, I decided that I will tell you my real feelings the next time I see you, which doesn’t happen until couple months later. Okay, I lied. I did see you around but never got the courage to make eye contact, much less tell you I liked you. The fear of rejection that if I make eye contact but you’ll look away was too strong.

The Infamous Day: Some of the greatest moments in life happen without any warning. I didn’t wake up that morning thinking, “This is the day I’ll conquer my fears. This is the day that will change my life”. No, I woke up, flustered and confused, like every other day, seriously contemplating whether I should skip my 12:30PM class. I got dinner with a friend and went to cheer my dance team, which was performing at a talent show in the same building you worked in. This was the perfect and, probably only, opportunity I’ll get for a while so I went for it. Not wanting to overwhelm you, I tried to make small talk but didn’t register anything you said as my mind was screaming conflicted messages back and forth. I still remember the way you leaned in when I said “I have to tell you something” and the way your eyes widened when the words “I like you” escaped my mouth. My courage was running out and before waiting for your response, I escaped. To this day, my only regret is not staring into your eyes and forcing an answer out of you.

Regardless, after my monumental bravery, never have I felt happier and more stress-free. The fact that I didn’t get any messages later confessing your love to me didn’t bother me. I was so content I did something for my own benefit and not following societal rules about guys always making the first move. I felt invincible, which was a pleasant surprise, considering I figured I would be devastated if I didn’t hear from you. The next few days were a blast as it was Halloweekend. I partied with friends, went home to my family, and brought my car to college.

Sunday midnight, after I came back from dance practice, I opened Facebook to procrastinate on homework. What I saw as one of my notifications proved once again that the best things come when you least expect them to. You invited me to your party. It could’ve meant a lot of things. Either you figured out your feelings and are going to tell me you like me too or that you have no interest. But they didn’t come to mind when I saw that notification. All I felt was pure happiness and I couldn’t stop smiling the whole week, whether I was with friends or just walking around campus. A simple gesture from you turned my mood around and once again, I felt invincible.

But I had no idea, until the night of your party, that the one person who gave me so much happiness could also give me even greater grief with only few deadly words: “I think we should just be friends”. Getting friend-zoned was so much worse than getting straight up rejected because there will always be that tiny hope in the back of your mind. Maybe he will change his mind. Maybe he’ll realize what a great catch I am when he gets to know me better. Maybe one day, he’ll look at me the way I look at him. At the time, I smiled and pretended your rejection didn’t bother me. But over the next few days, there was never a moment when you weren’t on my mind. I didn’t know if I should smile because we are friends or cry because that’s all we will ever be. I never knew until then how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had. And the fact that you asked for my number to stay in touch “as friends” didn’t help. The self-control required to stop the temptation to text you to hang out or just talk was too exhausting. You were too polite and blamed yourself as an excuse to turn me down but I think we both knew the real reason. You weren’t attracted to me. Period. It wasn’t because you think you are a bad person and think that I deserve someone better. It wasn’t that you weren’t ready for a relationship. It was just the simple fact that you weren’t interested.

I haven’t seen you since that night but I can still smell your cologne and hear your voice. But sometimes, we must forget what we feel and remember what we deserve. I deserve someone who is open and honest with their feelings, someone who will appreciate me, and what I have to offer. Someone who will make the effort to be in the relationship and care about it as much as I do. And you deserve someone who you love and who you can’t imagine a day without.

I will always like you and will probably never forget how you made me feel but, for my sake, I’m letting you go. I’ll still giggle and feel giddy if you ever text me or say ‘hi’ but I’ll enjoy the temporary happiness and won’t let it turn into a pathetic hope. I’m not angry with you, just slightly sad. I’m glad I met you and don’t regret any of our exchanges. You gave me courage and the opportunity to explore what I want and how I can get it. You changed my life, making me more proactive. I wish I changed your life too but the chance is reserved to another lucky girl. You will be a bittersweet memory some day and I’m glad I’m waiting for that day, instead of denying it.

Dear Crush,

This is a story about first love. This is a story about first heartbreak. This is a story that changed my perspective on life. As I was writing this, I, myself, was frustrated at how petty and annoying I sounded at times but I guess that’s part of growing up.

I decided that it was time for me to let you go. But I wanted to remember our story first. You think I saw you for the first time at that fateful party, but in fact, I saw you couple times before that.

First encounter: I was sitting with my friend inside a study lounge and you passed by the entrance. I caught a glimpse of you when you said hi to our mutual friend and desperately wanted a better look. So I ran outside and gazed around but you slipped away. Disappointed, I went back to my friend.

Second encounter: It was a formal event that resembled a beauty pageant but for guys. The only reason I came was for the advertised free food and we got to dress up. After sitting down and doing quick sweep of the room, I found you but didn’t recognize you as the same guy that slipped away months earlier. Once again, you sparked my interest as you were the only guy there wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. I asked the girl next to me if she knew you and sadly, she didn’t. I saw you leave halfway through the event and got irrationally sad.

The Fateful party: It was the weekend before the last week of classes for the year. My friend and I told ourselves we wouldn’t go out as we had an important test on Monday. 10pm comes around and the frat was just so close to us and we have been studying the whole day so we decided we needed a break. I just wanted to get drunk and had no interest to impress anyone so consequently, I didn’t even try to look good. I achieved my goal and got pretty tipsy at the party. I was minding my own business and dancing with my friend in a corner and you just had to walk in and ruin my life for the next 6 months. I recognized you, oddly not as the guy from the pageant, but from the initial glimpse. To this day, I still blame/thank alcohol to giving me the courage to talk to you. Never before have I ever talked to a guy first, even when inebriated. I secretly hoped you were a loser so I wouldn’t be attracted to you. But life decides to play with me, so of course, you were charming and adorable while being mysterious and masculine. But the whole time we talked, your behavior should’ve been a blatant indication that you had no interest whatsoever. You kept looking around, appearing bored and ready to destroy my self-esteem. So I decided I didn’t want someone like you and encouraged you to go dance with other girls. I secretly hoped you would decline and it slightly hurt me that you didn’t. Soon, it was time to leave and you didn’t even ask for my number. A handshake was all I got. Seriously, a handshake?! Did you think I was Obama?!

Fourth encounter: A day before my exam, I see you again when I go to get dinner from the dinning hall. I have been going to this dining hall for eight months since college started and I have never seen you there and of course, you would be there just two days later. I passed by you but didn’t make eye contact hoping maybe you would say “hi”. Surprise surprise, you didn’t. I quickly got coffee and planned to get out of there as quickly as possible but accidentally bumped into you and was forced to start talking. I was surprised you remembered me but you were even more surprised that I remembered you. Semi-awkward small talk later, we part ways and you still didn’t have my number. I couldn’t take it anymore and added you on FB later that night. (You weren’t very stalk-able, by the way). This moment was only the beginning of my journey of falling for you. Before the year ended, I think I saw you one more time but damn, you didn’t even give a shit. That hurt me more than anything for a long time. Many times, I would open FB chat and almost tell you how I felt but controlled the temptation because my friends thought that was creepy. School ended, summer happened, but I still didn’t forget you. But this was only the tip of the ice berg of what happens when college starts again in the fall.

Hurt Feelings Be Damned, Honesty Is Worth It

I really hope the honesty trend catches on. It might break relationships but will definitely create more meaningful, long-lasting ones

Thought Catalog

James NordJames Nord

When people ask us what the most important trait is that we look for in a friend or a significant other, we often say honesty. We say that we want people to be honest with us because we want to feel like we can trust them. We put so much emphasis on honesty, ironically, but rarely seem to be completely honest ourselves. Sometimes I think we don’t actually want honesty – we’re fine with all the sugar coating and white lies because then we don’t have to be completely honest with ourselves, either.

This is wrong. We should always want complete honesty, at all times, even if it’s hard. I promise you, honesty makes things easier in the long run.

How many times has a miscommunication occurred between you and someone else because you didn’t say exactly how you were feeling? We wrap what we mean to…

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16 Things That Happen When You’ve Had A Crush On Someone Forever

Very depressing yet so true

Thought Catalog

1. When you were really into this person, you were REALLY into them. Probably longer than you would admit to anyone ever. And no matter how hard you try, the feelings don’t go away.

2. You still get the tiniest bit nervous when you find yourself in the same room. It’s not the same intense butterflies that you used to get, but that fluttering feeling is still there. If only a little.

3. Thinking about them still makes you smile. The kind of smile that is a certain nostalgia for something that you wish had happened but didn’t. The kind of nostalgia you can have for a lifetime.

4. Whenever their name is brought up, your ears perk up and you’re still interested in what people are saying about them. You want to make sure their good name is still good.

5. Your friends still tease you about them. And whenever…

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10 Confessions Of A Low Maintenance Girl

Aye any guy takers?

Thought Catalog

Parks and RecreationParks and Recreation

“Does this place have a dress code tonight?”

“Yeah I think so…wearing a black dress and heels.”

“Ugh, seriously? Do you think dressing up a pair of jeans is cool?”

“No…”

1. You have no idea what contouring means. Supposedly, there are ways you can highlight your features, making you look like Kim K. Apparently; it’s an “art” in the make-up world.

2. Concealer, foundation, and primer all mean the same things to you. You have no idea which one goes on first, underneath, before and or blended together.

3. Wearing heels (or any uncomfortable shoes) for unnecessary occasions seems ridiculous. You have learned to make your Nikes and Adidas work with every single outfit.

4. You wish all corporate offices would adopt the “Jeans and T-shirt” daily dress code.

5. You take 45 minutes to get all dressed up. Not only because Beyonce can…but also because…

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