The Spoiled Heart

I have never considered myself as spoiled. My parents brought me up, teaching values of moderation, discipline, and consideration. If I was denied of something, I didn’t cry or lock myself in a room. I would experience momentary sorrow, but it would be immediately replaced by understanding and acceptance that we can’t all get what we want. So why won’t my heart understand this? Why does it insist on being the spoiled child and cry for you even when it knows you can’t be mine? I’m craving the acceptance that my child-self understood. Everyone is saying that we are not working out so that it will work out with someone much better. Every part of rational thought is agreeing with them but a small corner of my gut is screaming that we are perfect for each other…

I started writing this piece last week, and due to finals, postponed finishing it. Little did I know that I would re-read it and smirk at how different my thoughts are at this moment. It’s amazing how much a week can change. No, actually a minute is enough. My fingers would’ve followed the first paragraph effortlessly an hour ago but new information such as one trivial detail and the whole piece is changed. Maybe that’s how life works. A small, insignificant event that changes your life path drastically. It’s hard to believe that a week ago, I wrote “my gut is screaming that we are perfect for each other”. No, we are not perfect for each other. In fact, if we ever got into a relationship, it would end in shambles because you would hide behind a curtain of lies and I would see you right through it every time. You are oblivious to others’ feelings while I feel with them. You wouldn’t give a shit about my life while I would attempt to learn everything about you. You would be my priority while I would be your back up. Eventually, I would love you and the best you could ever do is like me. And none of this is wrong on your part. Because there will always be another girl that you will be willing to give your heart to. And you have the right to. It’s my fault because I handed you my heart without your consent. While I was looking through your profile, you were looking through someone else’s. While I was hoping a text from you, you were expecting one from her. While I was falling for you, you were also falling for someone who you can’t have. We both have spoiled hearts. And they will never meet.

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